


You're not as impressed as he wants you to be

by colorofmercury



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, lots of really immature insults, pesterfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-18
Updated: 2012-09-18
Packaged: 2017-11-14 12:15:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/515141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorofmercury/pseuds/colorofmercury
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A prompt for: "BroJohn maybe? Wherein John is not at all impressed by this white rapper guy, like seriously, this Strider might be even lamer than the one he already knows. But hey, it's kinda cute."</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're not as impressed as he wants you to be

**Author's Note:**

> I've been staring at the blank title box for 45 minutes, you are just going to have to deal with the shit title you got. Maybe one day I'll be good at coming up with those. 
> 
> (Also, thank you anon for the prompt!)

EB: hey, dave.   
EB: bzzzzt.   
EB: hey doctor loserface, you have a call on line one.   
EB: dave, you are making me turn into you. do not make me turn into you.   
EB: okay, look, dude, i am literally five feet away from you, i can see the message notifications popping up from over here, i KNOW you're getting these. 

"Dave!" He turns around, clearly trying to pretend he's not sure what's up. You point at his computer screen. "... John you're five feet away from me. Use your words." You point again, this time with added righteous fury. He does that exaggerated head-roll so that you know he's rolling his eyes, and he turns back to his computer.  

TG: okay i give  
TG: what  
TG: what is so important and or secretive that you cant just tell me to my face  
EB: i wanted to know if you felt like going out and doing something.   
EB: i am so bored!   
TG: cant  
TG: its called a curfew  
EB: aaaaand i didn't want your lame-ass brother to hear me asking, hence the persterchum.   
EB: who even has a curfew, anyway?   
TG: excuse u   
TG: lame  
TG: ill have you know bros the coolest asshole in the west dont you even go there  
EB: did you miss the part where he rapped at me when i walked in the door?  
TG: no  
TG: look dude  
EB: did you then miss the part where he stared at me for a full minute afterwards because i didn't react?   
TG: quit interrupting me you dickface im talking here  
EB: he didn't even move his hands! they were still in that stupid gangster pose, he was just standing there a few finger wiggles away from jazz hands just  
EB: staring at me  
TG: it was hilarious  
EB: we are not amused.   
TG: no look ok he does this shit on purpose if you dont think its funny you are missing something  
EB: okay i admit! i am missing something.   
TG: see  
EB: i am missing how you managed to get the idea that your bro is cool at all.   
TG: aw man rude  
TG: bros cool you just dont see it   
EB: nope. never will.   
EB: hey do you want to go do something or what.   
TG: im not letting this you dont think bro is cool thing go  
EB: he makes dozens of nearly identical plush toys and then films them for porn.   
TG: its funny   
EB: it is so lame!  
EB: also he collects baseball caps. who does that? 

He pauses, staring down at his hands, visibly thinking through his response. You knew you'd get to him eventually. Victory is totally yours.  

TG: ...   
TG: okay you got me there   
TG: hes weird no ones denying that  
TG: but come on  
TG: he has the trademark strider good looks and rugged charm  
EB: not seeing the charm so far. actually i'm not seeing that being a strider thing at all.   
TG: i have charm what are you saying  
EB: ...   
TG: ok anyway you didnt deny the good looks or the rugged so you must agree with me somewhere  
EB: it is going to have to be a pretty loose definition of "rugged!"   
EB: but good looks, sure, i'll give you that.   
TG: fuck yes one point for the home team  
TG: were winning the fuck out of this sports  
EB: yeah, yeah, you don't understand sports, i get it.   
TG: gasp  
TG: is john egbert actually sick of a joke???

 You kick his chair. 

TG: ow  
TG: my soul  
EB: okay dude i am going to ask again!   
EB: do  
EB: you  
TG: no  
EB: want  
EB: to  
TG: no no no  
EB: go  
TG: stop it egbert i cant handle this pressure  
EB: o  
TG: oh god damnit  
EB: u  
TG: seriously fuck you   
EB: t  
TG: …   
TG: it says youre still typing  
EB: ?  
TG: insert exasperated sigh  
TG: there i performed one just for you   
TG: live on stage  
EB: yes i heard you, you cuntwallop  
TG: thats a new one  
EB: seriously do you or dont you   
TG: no  
TG: well  
TG: okay yes   
EB: yay!  
TG: but bro "good looks and a little rugged" strider will kick my ass if i break curfew ive told you this  
EB: dude okay i will just punch bro "good looks but only rugged if you squint and stand on your head" strider in the kidney and we'll be scotch free.   
TG: what is your father teaching you at home young man  
EB: mostly how to incapacitate someone with one hit.   
EB: occasionally how to do my taxes.   
TG: …   
TG: didnt know he had it in him  
EB: dude he's an accountant.   
TG: i meant the other stuff dipshit   
EB: okay look you are missing the point!   
EB: we can get around him.   
EB: i am just so BORED. 

Dave lets out a longsuffering sigh from his chair. Again. He spins it around and faces you. 

"Do you really want to punch him in the kidney." 

"Yes." 

"Do you know what happens when you try to punch him in the kidney?" 

You put on a show of being thoughtful. "Iiii can figure out what happens when _you_ try to punch him in the kidney. Mostly I'm guessing he kicks your ass. Me, I don't know! I guess we'll find out." 

"Dude…" he groans and puts his head in his hands. "We can go out and do something tomorrow." 

"Daaaaave." 

He punches your knee. "Quit it." 

"Ow." You rub your knee and glare at him. "Come on. Please?" 

He stares at you for a while. 

You begin to see the family resemblance. 

(That is a joke: the family resemblance is actually pretty hard to miss.) 

(The best description of them you ever heard was Rose's, "They are both so inept it's adorable." You are beginning to agree with her.) 

"If you don't stop whining," Dave says, "I'm going to tell Bro you were going to sneak out. And that you said he was lame." 

"Seriously? You're going to tattle on me? How old are you, three?" 

"Don't think I won't." 

"Fine, see what I care!" 

For a second he gives you this determined grimace that says "I warned you, dog" without needing words, and in that second you regret your decision. 

He turns around and opens up a new chat window. He's the fastest typer you know.

Bro must be the fastest everything you know. He is dramatically throwing aside Dave's door within three seconds. 

It startles the shit out of you.

He has his sword in his hand and for the fifth consecutive second you are regretting your decision. 

The noise he lets out is way louder than normal speaking level, and considering you'd been talking in whispers it's jarring. You realize a moment later that he seems to be doing some kind of battle cry, and Dave looks absolutely terrified, and the only thing you're able to do is laugh hysterically. 

The worst thing is you think you are actually supposed to be impressed. Instead you are kind of reminded of that video with the baby lion trying to roar: both are desperately adorable simply by trying very hard not to be, but one wears dorky sunglasses and the other isn't really something you would want to kiss. 

…

Well. 

That sure was a thing you just thought.


End file.
